Jokes 'r' Us

[sownd_f_x]

Women drivers.

[loulou]

A teacher asks her class," If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

[loulou]

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

[Stilly]

Yo momma is so big, if she had to get cremated the planes would be grounded again

[loulou]

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm. "Do you sell fish cakes here?"
"No sir, we don't" came the reply

"Shame" the man replies, pointing at the salmon. "It's his birthday"

[Rob_from_Toronto_82]

Great personals ad:

Maedchen mit Pferdeschwanz sucht Jungen mit gleichen Eigenschaften...

[Tatt]

Irishman goes for a job with a blacksmith.

The blacksmith askes "Do you have any experience shoeing horses?"

Irishman says "No... but I once told a donkey to fuck off."

[brookie]

The One Two Three cat and the Un Deux Trois cat raced each other to swim across the river. Who won?

The One Two Three Cat!

The Un Deux Trois Cat Sank.

[loulou]

I saw a crab crying on the beach, I said, why are you crying little crab?
He replied, I've got peoples!!!!

[sownd_f_x]

I poured salt and pepper on my neighbour's door mat to spell the word HELLO.
"What are you doing?!" he shouted.
"Season's greetings." I replied.

[loulou]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven till its bill withers!

[loulou]

I saw a Nun dressed in a chicken outfit today.
She must be in some sort of pecking order.

What is Super chicken's real identity?
Cluck Kent.
How did the chicken end up in the soup pot?
The farmer's wife told her it was a chicken jacuzzi.

What happens when a chicken eats gunpowder?
She lays a hand gren-egg.

What do you call the outside of a hand gren-egg?
The bombshell.

What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
It egg-splodes.

What happened when the hen ate cement?
She laid a sidewalk.

What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!

What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.

Why did the chicken disappoint his mother?
He wasn't what he was cracked up to be.

Why did the rooster file for divorce?
He was tired of being hen-pecked.

Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you're the chicken.

What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics!

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.

[VerryBerry]

A conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave?
He : No! Don't even think about it.
She : Do you love me?
He : Of course! Over and over!
She : Have you ever cheated on me?
He : No! Why are you even asking?
She : Will you kiss me?
He : Every chance I get.
She : Will you hit me?
He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She : Can I trust you?
He : Yes.
She : Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...